Why You, Anon, Should Love NFL Football

Parasocial War

Richard Nixon talked constantly and feverishly about NFL football—one of the ways he won people over, including Hunter S. Thompson.

“Whatever else might be said about Nixon – and there is still serious doubt in my mind that he could pass for Human – he is a goddamn stone fanatic on every facet of pro football,” describes Thompson in Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail (1972).

Thompson, also die hard, bonds with his sworn enemy on the bus, where he’s been mandated to discuss football and football alone.

“At one point in our conversation, I was feeling a bit pressed for leverage, I mentioned a down & out pass—in the waning moments of the 1967 Super Bowl mismatch between Green Bay and Oakland—to an obscure second-string Oakland receiver named Bill Miller that had stuck in my point because of its pinpoint style & precision. [Nixon] hesitated for a moment, lost in thought, then he whacked me on the thigh & laughed: “That’s right, by God! The Miami boy!” I was stunned. He not only remembered the play, but he knew where Miller had played in college.”

But today’s right wing intellectual scoffs at football. It’s bread and circuses! We shall not be drawn in by such plebeian distractions!

Yet we also yearn for Rome. Was Rome not defined by the Coliseum? If nothing more, Gladiators were at least governing tools for Caesar and Aurelius. But no, we mustn’t discuss such things lest the scent of the NPC rub off on us!

An insufferable prole doesn’t demonstrate his lowness by signaling poverty, he does it by over-signaling what he believes is wealth. In the Red Lobster parking lot, he parks his Chevy “Malibu,” with twenty inch rims, as close to the door as possible. Similarly, Rightists react too strongly against pro sports. So eager to show off their intellect, they reveal themselves to be insecure blowhards. Their dismissal of black athletes is pure resentment. Their hatred of “Grill Americans” is pure projection.

There are many reasons to love and embrace football, first and foremost because it’s a masterful tool of public control. What’s more interesting than a powerful piece of propaganda? That alone should garner as many think pieces as Drag Queen Story Hour and The Competency Crisis. But alas. We only focus on the losers.

The game and its characters deserve consideration. Zero Hedge writer David Pinsen returned to The Carousel to discuss the NFL Playoffs, which resume tomorrow, and why we should pay more attention to them:

To be clear, this is not a argument for all sports. Soccer, for instance, is the seed oil of bread and circuses: the epitome of lowest-bidder globohomo primivism. Avoid at all costs. The NFL is special—which is why nobody else in the world can afford to play it.

Specialization – American football is the only sport where the players physiognomy differs by role. Linemen can weigh over 400 pounds. Wide receivers can be a rail thin 6'8”. Even the coaches are specialized. In no other sport are coaching assistants, called offensive and defensive coordinators, household names. It’s the best war metaphor we have, where differentiated units battle for territory (literally). There’s even artillery men—they’re called kickers.

Weaponized Autism - The NFL provides ultra-complex problem solving and high technology with physical excellence and extreme aggression. Actuarial calculations involving scoring, timeouts, and clock management that no coach, no matter how good, can make in their head. Probably why coaching jobs increasingly go to well-educated, high-energy young guys like Dolphins coach Mike McDaniel, who went to Yale.

Technology - As tech improves, players wear the increasingly thin pads. Coaches relay plays to speakers in Quarterbacks’ helmets. On the sidelines, players review replays on Microsoft tablets moments after they occur. Referee instant replay, which kills the flow of every other sport, only makes football more exciting. It’s also the only sport advanced enough to be played in literally any weather; in the cold, QBs warm their hands with electric heaters during play.

Race Science - Due to its hyper-specialization, NFL football provides one of the best mainstream explorations of ethnic differences still legal. Steve Sailer has examined how Wonderlic scores—a twelve minute fifty question IQ tests—affect player performance. The Wonderlic has, surprise surprise, been discontinued, but for HBD obsessives there are still endless comparisons to be made. In this year’s playoffs, for example, we have a sudden surprise upsurge in white position players, while mixed race QBs have utterly dominated the league. Is it genetic? Is it wokeness? You decide!

And of course, beyond all this, the reason you should care about American football is because it’s American. Bread and circuses fine, but it’s our bread and circuses. Nationalists…you must submit.